Friday, September 26, 2003

An alphabet full of names of women who if they had that name I could never have sex with …
or something

A – Agatha, but I’d do an Aggie.
B – Bertha, I was going to pick Beryl, but Soupy Sales had a hit song called “Hey
Beryl, Won’t Ya Be My Girl” back in the 60’s and who can argue with that.
C – Cissy, just way to Prep School, old money for my taste, Cissy VanButtmuncher, see what I mean.
D – Dora – It was between DiDi and Dora, but girls named Didi give oral and take anal, so there you go.
E – Eunice, just because of Carol Burnett.
F – Flo, sorry, it just sounds so menstrual.
G – Gertrude, but Gertie rocks.
H – Hester, hey the bitch was an adulteress !!!
I – Iris, sounds like the name of one of my mother’s friends from when I was a kid, and that would just be wrong, so very wrong.
J - Jacqueline, in deference to our former president.
K – Kukla, the puppeteer from the old TV show Kukla, Fran, and Ollie, wait, Fran was the puppeteer, Kukla was one of the puppets, never mind.
L – LaVerne, see Shirley.
M - Mathilda, but Mattie and Tilly could be my dream double team.
N – Naomi, because she’s Winona’s mother, or is that Wynona?
O – Opal, sounds too much like Opal Cadet, and I don’t think they make that car anymore anyways.
P – Prunella, pretty much self-explanatory.
Q – Queenie, the only Q name I could think of.
R – Rhiannon, but I still love that song.
S – Shirley, see LaVerne.
T – Tsetseko, the Japanese girl who broke my heart, of course a different Japanese girl broke my heart every week, so don't cry for me Argentina.
U – Ultra-Violet, don’t smirk, she was part of Andy Warhol’s Factory, so she might be transsexual, NTTAWWI.
V – Virginia, it’s a fucking state, not a name.
W – Wanda, too many fish called Wanda.
X – XuXu, sounds too much like what I called a bowel movement when I was little.
Y – Yolanda, because isn’t she a friend of Oprah.
Z – Zelda, because Dobie Gillis already had her.