Wednesday, September 17, 2003

The Correct Answers to Answer Me This

1. Has there ever been anyone worse than Hitler?
Yes, his twin brother Brian was ten times worse. Luckily for the world he was murdered by the Hells Angels at a Stones concert in Munich in 1921.
2. Did Pete Best, the Beatles drummer before Ringo Starr, get a raw deal?
Yes, Pete Best got a raw deal. John Lennon was jealous of Pete’s popularity with the ladies, so he had manager Brian Epstein kick him out of the group just before they signed their first record deal. However, Pete got his revenge with the little known but very potent Pete Best Curse. Item, Brian Epstein died four years later. Item, John Lennon murdered outside his apartment. Item, George Harrison dies in the prime of life. Item, Paul McCartney’s wife Linda dies in the prime of life. Item, John F. Kennedy, a major Beatle’s fan assassinated in Dallas by Pete Best look alike Lee Harvey Oswald. Item, and this is the most chilling, Yoko Ono is still alive. Coincidence, I think not.
3. What is the hardest spot to shave?
On me it’s my right palm, go figure.
4. Would you like to meet me in real life, or at least talk to me on the phone?
Due to the overwhelming positive response to this question I am going to give everyone a chance to meet me. I will be appearing at the East Tawas Michigan Holiday Inn, Conference Room B, on October 28, 2003 from Noon till 6PM. Admission will be five dollars, there will be lectures, symposiums, and workshops. I will also be available to sign autograph books, pictures, posters, breasts, buttocks, and female genitalia. Think Star Trek convention without the Klingon geeks.
5. If you could go back in time, like Mr Sherman and Peabody, and change one event, what would it be?
The birth of Jean Claude Van Damme.
6. Name your favorite band or group whose name begins with the letter S?
The Stolling Rones.
7. Would you have sex with a young Bette Davis?
Only if it was the pre-WWII Bette Davis. The war changed her, like it did so many others, and not for the good.
8. If money can't buy love what is the best thing it can buy?
A shitload of stuff on Ebay.
9. Who is, or was, the worst cast member ever on Saturday Night Live?
The unholy trilogy of Gilbert Gottfried, David Spade, and Adam Sandler.
10. Have you ever been sexually aroused by Jodie Foster?
Does at the present moment count?